Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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