She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
