He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
