Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
