I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
