my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i've created a new STD.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
