Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
