If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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