By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
