Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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