on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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