If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
