Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
