I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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