I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just googled if crying burns calories
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
