someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
