i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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