Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
