Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
