Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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