When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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