can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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