Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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