What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
