New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
