I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
