So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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