My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
