Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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