my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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