Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
