nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
