Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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