i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
