im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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