Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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