sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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