my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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