I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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