i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Couch. On fire.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
