just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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