Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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