I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
