i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
