Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
