Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
