Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
