ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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