My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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