Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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