Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
