i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
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I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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