Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
