Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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