why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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