the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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