oh god the rape fog is back!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
